Chewing Words

noun. verb. adjective. adverb…they're all tasty in my book

automaton

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I am taking a hiatus from my business. It burns too much. The uncertainty of my future, the fickle nature of clients who misinterpret the best of intentions. Coupled with the double hit of divorce and a weighty financial albatross.

I wrote to a friend this morning who lives near London. Told him how empty everything feels inside, but mangled and weird, too. Like a hamster ball of frenetic and chaotic energy in my belly, bonking around my intestines and gall bladder, but not escaping the hard casing.

I keep busy; pulling weeds, moving furniture, changing the scenery. Emails from my husband set my teeth on edge. I want him to file for divorce and be done with it; it felt devastating at first. Now it just doesn’t feel like anything. I haven’t returned the phone calls of the bankruptcy attorney that I contacted. I make breakfast for my 3-year old daughter. She goes to daycare. I try to figure out what to feed myself, and drink coffee instead. I don’t hear my cell phone ring. I make lists of things I need to do. I have piles of crap in the garage I have removed from the house to sell or give away. A 3-car garage filled to the gills with the history of my life. Of a life once shared.

I don’t feel sad. I only feel that hard ball in my belly, rolling around, knocking against the vacant places. And the scrabbling of the weird flurry caged within, clacking around, trying to get loose.

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Written by cr8df8

September 10, 2010 at 6:57 am

Posted in emotions

Tagged with , ,

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